Anita and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I had a bad day today. Not at home - at work. It was so rotten I really don't even want to blog about it. I feel all weepy and mopey and I just wish I had my mommy right now. You ever have one of those days?

Sometimes, when I read about other women who have quiet time (or devotions, or whatever you want to call it) and how close they feel to the Lord during those times, I feel a bit jealous...and a bit like maybe there's something wrong with me. That closeness, that sense that Jesus is present - that doesn't happen for me. Times like this, when I'm feeling down and really discouraged, I wish I could go to my Bible, or into prayer, and really feel like Jesus is right there with me.

When I spend time in the Word, it's more of an intellectual thing for me. It's almost...well, work. That is not to say that there are not times when the Word speaks comfort to me, or that I can't find beauty in the Scriptures. But when I read God's Word, I'm looking, working, digging for something. I must concentrate and it takes effort. I might find meaning, deeper understanding, or relevance, but I've never had an experience where it felt like I was spending time alone with Jesus.

I am not a great pray-er. I must say - thankfully, joyfully - that this is an area where I have seen God's grace at work over the years. Praying comes easier than it used to and I do feel something approaching closeness when I am in prayer...but in truth, there is still a part of me that feels disconnected. As if my prayers must cross a great distance. I have never had a feeling like Jesus is right next to me and we're just talking.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm putting my trust in a feeling. I know, whether it feels like it or not, that Jesus is present. And I don't mean to imply that because I don't have a strong emotional response to being in prayer or in the Word that somehow my faith is not authentic.

It's just that I long for contact. Sometimes I wish that Jesus was right here and that he'd give me a hug. (And how dumb is that? I mean, the Creator of the universe - for the sake of a miserable sinner like me - came down from his throne in heaven, suffered the indignity of becoming a helpless child, lived a blameless life in my place and suffered a horrible and unrighteous death so that I might be reconciled to God...and I'm complaining that I want a hug??)

But isn't that what we all want? Some contact? A friendly voice to comfort us? (Beth, is it any wonder that I picked tonight to call??) Something tangible to hang onto in the midst of pain and confusion? And you know what? I think God knows this about us and understands. More, He provided for this very real need that we have - the need to touch and hold onto something solid - by becoming a man and walking with us.

And I think it's also why (or at least part of the reason why) he comes to us bodily in the Eucharist. Because he knows how fragile we are, and how much we need to be able to hold onto Him, not just in a spiritual sense, but in a real, physical way.

I wish I could describe to you exactly what it is like for me when I receive the Body and Blood of the Lord - the very Presence of God - in the Sacrament. I'm not sure that you can understand what that Presence is like any more than I can understand the closeness that some have in prayer and Bible study. I can only tell you that it is real. And not in a subjective way, not a "feeling" that I have (although I do experience it as a feeling too, if you get what I mean).

I believe that the True Presence of the Lord in the Eucharist is an objective thing. I believe it because Christ himself - in his last will and testament before his disciples - says so. I believe He really meant it. When He comes to me in, with and under the bread and the wine, He strengthens me. He comes to me because He knows how much I need what only He has to offer. Forgiveness of sins. Comfort for my hurting soul. Strengthened and renewed faith in His promises. So He comes in a way that I can grab hold of tangibly, so that I may have no doubt whatsoever of His presence.

This went in a way different direction than I thought it would when I first started this post. The Holy Spirit is like that sometimes - the words just come tumbling out of my fingers. I think I've said enough for now.