Weary and worn out.

Probably just the place I need to be.

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the prince of glory died;
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Knowing that pride in my own accomplishments has brought me to this place is humbling. And hard. And, as Eileen points out, freeing. My pride is a constant struggle, one which I have been aware of for a long time and one that I thought I was working on and maybe getting somewhere. Only to discover that it was just hiding out. And I guess as long as I continue to think that mastering my pride is something that I can do by my own strength, I'm going to be driven to this place over and over again.

His grace is sufficient. When will I learn this? I thought I had. Wrong.

Yesterday I cried so much throughout the day that when I went to bed my eyes were still puffy and red, though I had finished crying hours earlier. It was not my best day ever. And yet God's grace to me abounded:

A random blogger "accidently" landed here and offered comfort and encouragement in the Lord.

From Eileen: Life is messy. Christ is NOT.

From Beth: You are a daughter of a King!

From Shortybear: He will not leave us alone.

From Lisa: Even though I lived a life of ruin, God has redeemed it.

From Debbie: I want you to know that I have been interceding for you throughout the entire day, since. I just wanted to run over to your house and throw my arms around you and just hold you. We all need someone and WE are a FAMILY here and love abides. Behind these computer screens are "real" human people with very real problems. YOU are NOT different!

From Sharon: Be strong and curageous! In your weakness, God is strong. The battle belongs to the Lord!

For all your prayers and understanding and love...thank you. Yes Lisa, I DID feel His love throughout the day. It came through all of you.

Last night our church hosted a choir from Concordia Lutheran High School in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. Hearing them sing beautiful Lenten hymns was a balm to me. It was as if God had handpicked their repertoire with me in mind. Who is to say He didn't?

I love my boys. So much. I am terrified by what is happening in their lives right now. Even knowing that all I can do is give God control of this, my mama-bear instinct still wants to jump into action and do something. I am frantic to do something about it. God grant me patience to wait on Him and do only His will. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Trust me, not when you're me. *smile*

I should tell you that my husband has been very patient with me through all of this. He is just as bewildered by it all as I am. He's made an appointment for us (just us, not the kids) to meet with our pastor for pastoral counselling. It is a beginning.

I will share what I am able to, when I am able to.